Overwhelm
Macmillan Dictionary definition – v. “ to affect someone’s emotions in a very powerful way”
Last week was a week of overwhelm. I was flattened. Undone. Paralyzed.
As I watched the news and saw the unrest that’s unraveling my homeland, I was sickened. It’s been difficult to face the staggering evidence of systemic racism that I have never experienced personally and thus, have never wrestled with. It’s deplorable and shameful. I am stunned by what I see and I’m resisting a low-grade sense of hopelessness - wondering if things will ever change. In my overwhelm, I’m tempted to hide under the covers and wish it all away. But I don’t dare. I must feel its full weight and admit that it threatens to render me impotent. As difficult as it is, I must pay attention to what’s happening ‘out there’ and also pay attention to what’s happening within me. I’m forced to look in the mirror and ask how I’ve been complicit to the monster of racism. If I don’t own it, ignorance and denial will dull my senses further. This is my wake-up call.
So I’ve begun with lament. It’s been a week of groaning. I now follow with repentance. Father, forgive me for I don’t know the extent of what I’ve done. Show me what I don’t want to see. Forgive me for the subtle and overt ways I have trespassed in thought, word and deed against those who are different from me. Cleanse me of all unrighteousness. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.
And if repentance means turning from my ways, I now need to be pointed in the right direction. Being stuck in overwhelm isn’t optional so I need wisdom to clearly know the path I’m to take. That, in itself, is overwhelmingbecause I don’t know what I don’t know. So in humility, I’m taking a posture of listening and learning.
What have I done so far? I’ve spent several days reflecting and journaling, lamenting what’s happening in North America and looking at what’s being exposed in me. I’ve prayed alone and with others. I’ve expanded my online community to include the voices and influence of BIPOC* activists and educators. The fact that I did not even realize these voices were missing is another example of my privilege. I’ve enrolled in a course on racism and am prayerfully considering where to give of my resources. I’ve bought two books: What Lies Between Us by Dr. Lucretia Berry and Be the Bridge by Latasha Morrison. I am a beginner and these are baby steps. I must be careful not to do this simply to feel better about myself. Actually, if I’m doing the work right, it will be very painful. I must ask myself, “How am I a racist?” “How do I benefit from white supremacy?” “How am I complicit?” At 60 something, I realize I have much to learn and perhaps less time to learn it, so I’m committing to taking steps in the right direction. My young adult children will keep me accountable but I must also build a network of accountability partners who are willing to continue these uncomfortable conversations. You are welcome to join my network or create your own.
And you? Is overwhelm a part of your life these days? Are you feeling pinned or exposed in any particular way? What are your prevalent emotions? Anger? Grief? Empathy? Or does apathy have a hold on you? As uncomfortable as it is, let your overwhelm serve a purpose. Staying in the discomfort of what powerfully affects our emotions is vital, but it must lead to action. If you’re in a place of overwhelm, don’t stay there alone. It’s scary. Instead, invite God to meet you in it. We are wired for community so look for others with whom you can learn and grow. Hold hands with them as you feel the discomfort of your overwhelm. As you own what’s exposed in you, ask for wisdom and clarity for what you’re to do about it. Don’t let paralysis render you impotent. Matthew 7:7-8 encourages us “to ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
*Black, Indigenous, People of Color
“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. ”
“From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. ”
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened [overwhelmed], and I will give you rest. ”